


Complicated

by SadAmishPlayer



Category: Tiny Meat Gang (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Denial, Dubious Content, Gender Issues, Other, Sexual Content, Transgender
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-01
Updated: 2020-02-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22510870
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadAmishPlayer/pseuds/SadAmishPlayer
Summary: Cody can’t remember exactly when he started feeling this way.He just remembers small moments where he felt bad about himself.
Relationships: Cody Ko/Noel Miller
Comments: 8
Kudos: 79





	1. Chapter 1

Cody can’t remember exactly when he started feeling this way.  
He just remembers small moments where he felt bad about himself. 

~~~

“Dinner’s ‘bout to be ready.”  
His mom comes in the living room, drying her hands with a paper towel.  
“What are guys doing?” She asks while crouching to be at the same eye level.

“Just drawing pictures. I’m trying to teach Krista how to stay in the lines but she’s not so good at it.”  
Krista’s too focused to realize what he says.  
“Can I see some?”  
Cody pulls out a few pages and hands them to her with pride.  
But she only frowns as she goes through each. 

“Cody...those are Disney princesses”  
He only looks at her confused.  
“I bought those for Krista, they weren’t meant for you”  
His expression doesn’t change.  
She just sighs and pulls out an other catalogue.  
“Look these ones are for you, it’s superheroes!” She’s trying to get him excited about it, flipping through the pages. “Aren’t they cool?”

Cody is confused. Are his drawings not good?  
“Little boys don’t draw princesses, those are for little girls” she tries to explain kindly.  
But he just looks at the floor ashamed. 

~~~

“Ok you go choose a costume and I’ll wait by the changing rooms”  
It’s Halloween and Cody hates Halloween.  
He loves dressing up but not the way he’s supposed too.  
Last time he picked a fairy costume and dad got very mad.  
What’s the point of dressing up if he can’t be whoever he wants. He knows better now. 

So he just drag his feet through the isles lazily, hoping it’ll be quick.  
However his heart takes him to the girls section, making sure nobody sees him. 

He runs his fingers through tule, silk, flower patterns, berets, ballerina shoes...  
It’s painful to know he’s only seven and already feels weight on his shoulders as he leaves it all behind. 

He’s a firefighter at the end. 

~~~

“You’re not like other boys” god he hates when people say that!  
Everybody’s different so why he’s gotta be the one to be told that on a regular basis?  
Yes he’s emotional and maybe not that masculine but so what?  
He tells himself that but deep down he knows he’s different. 

In the school play, he wants to apply for the role of the damsel in distress, he doesn’t want to be the courageous prince who delivers her.  
He wants to be the one saved, the one taken care of, the one picked up bridle style by strong arms and give a kiss to his prince’s cheek.  
He keeps it buried in his heart. 

~~~

“Come on it’s not that big of a deal! He’s still young, he’s trying to find himself”  
“But to which point though?!”  
He hears his parents yell in the other room, he got caught doing some bad things again.  
“We should get him into sports.”  
“You damn well knows he’s too sensible for that”  
“Exactly and that’ll help him concur that! What about swimming he’s always loved the water”

That turns out to be true. Cody loves the water and swimming but diving is what takes his heart.  
Water makes him feel alive, like nothing can stop him.  
And he’s good at it! He’s good at something good!  
People applause him for what he does, especially at such a young age, finally something to distract him.  
He finishes top of his category every time now. 

~~~

Puberty is hell though. Where soft skin used to lie is now gross acne, body hair and an increase of muscle mass due to his dedication to diving.  
He gets around with shaving thanks to that too. 

But people love him.  
He’s popular as fuck in school being an athlete.  
The guys that called him sissy for wearing a flower in his hair instead of giving it to a girl, want to hang out with him.  
And speaking of girls, they get interested in him now! Even if he’s still pretty short, they want to date him.  
Jackpot he’s the perfect jock. 

~~~

It becomes pretty clear that he lives for people’s approval.  
When his coach taps him on the shoulder, when his friends cheer in the stands, when his girlfriend kisses his cheek, when his parents give him the warmest smile...  
The list goes on about things making him feel good about himself. 

Maybe that’s it. That’s the bliss of life, making other people happy.  
He seeks those moments every second of the day. Sure that’s a bit narcissistic but that’s what keeps him going. 

Because there’s definitely other moments that make him feel like straight up shit.  
Like when he has to engage all his will power to not look at other dudes in the changing rooms, to not try on the lingerie he bought for his girlfriend, to not cry himself to sleep cause he could not get hard for her....  
And the list goes on. 

Why though feel like that? He’s everything others could dream of. He’s a grown up now he can’t just keep having those childlike “I’m trying to find myself” sort of thoughts.  
What does that even mean? He is who he wants to be.  
He’s committed to what he has and there’s no doubting it. 

~~~

He gets a scholarship for diving. By now he hates it but I mean if Duke wants you, who is he to say no?  
His mom cries and his father smiles so hard it must hurt. His sister pats him on the back proudly.  
He just fakes happiness, he’s gotten really good at it by now. 

In college he notices a shift. College popularity doesn’t exist, everybody just tries to power through. People don’t really care anymore. Not only that but others are better than him.  
Guys, girls are more attractive, more intelligent. He’s not a cool kid anymore, he’s just a kid now.  
Although he gets into a frat because that’s what athletes do, he’s still one out of many douchebags. 

~~~

He picks computer science in hopes to become a software engineer, he loves it a lot. 

Oh but there’s another thing that he loves, his new girlfriend.  
She’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He can’t stop himself from thinking about her, treating her like a living piece of art.  
But most importantly he stops having intrusive thoughts with her. 

And that bliss creates warmth in his stomach, it’s pure joy.  
He ruins his bank account for her, he misses classes for her, he spends his days looking at pictures of her. 

She’s nothing but soft skin, soft blond locks, soft lips, soft thighs...everything is so soft he can’t think straight.  
He’s 100% dependent on her to bring him joy.  
She’s his ray of sunshine.

~~~

One night where she couldn’t make it to his place, he flips through their pictures on his phone. One catches his attention more than the others.  
She’s wearing this short plaid skirt with a matching top, kind of what you usually see in an episode of clueless. 

She has the necklace he bought her a couple of weeks ago. It’s got a thin chain with a little diamond hanging off, it’s so delicate around her pale neck.  
Her arms are up, raising her top, belly peeking out, looking so smooth.  
His gaze lowers down to her thighs, they’re so majestic, thin but not skinny. 

As he is imagining petting every inch of her skin, he doesn’t realize he’s petting himself.  
Hands going through parts of him that resembles nothing of hers. His brain morphs her features into his own.  
But he’s so lost in his fantasy that it’s only once he reaches his face and feels stubble that all of it is cut short.  
Gasping out loud, hands stopping immediately, his mind blanks for a second. 

He picks up his phone again and shit hits him hard.  
This whole time he wasn’t even looking at her face.  
This whole time he was just fantasizing about her body.  
This whole time he imagined her body being his.  
This whole time he thought he was her.  
This whole time he wanted to be her. 

He runs the coldest shower possible but somehow it still feels warm against his burning skin.  
He breathes like he’s coming off of an iron man and his body shakes trying to resist the urge to punch a hole in the wall. 

That’s what the whole bullshit has always been about!  
He isn’t in love with her, he just wants to be her. 

He gets into bed, body soaking wet and head pounding. His last thought before passing out is a prayer to god to make it all go away.


	2. Chapter 2

He breaks up with her because he can’t deal with it anymore. It’s too painful now that he’s discovered this new part of himself.  
She yells, she cries, she doesn’t understand but honestly neither does he.  
It’s easier to push everything away than face up to it.  
He cries too. 

~~~

When he realizes he hasn’t gone out of his room for a week now, except for basic human needs, he thinks about dropping out.  
What even is the point in his life anymore if anything he’s always believed is a flat out lie.  
How could he not even realize that big of a part of himself, why now? Why so late?  
He just can’t go back. 

His roommate gets him out finally when he mentions a party at the frat house.  
Hell yeah he’s gonna go! What better way to forget everything than drinking, smoking and snorting whatever shit he can find? 

~~~

Everything is so blurry and blinging and gooey for some reason. He stumbles across people on the floor, people against the wall, people on the ceiling, people that are levitating, people that he’s imagining.  
He tries to leave but he can’t get out. 

It’s too crowded and he doesn’t even remember the way out with all the shit he has in his vains.  
He tires to speak to whoever he comes across, tries to follow the walls in hopes to find a door that could lead to the outside.  
He doesn’t know where he is, he’s fricking out. Is this a bad trip? He’s never had one but if that’s it then fuck.  
He starts running to try to get out taking his shirt off for some reason.

He finally finds a door, fidgeting for what seems like hours trying to get it to open but when it finally does it’s the biggest mistake of his life. 

It’s a fucking room. Literally a room full of people fucking. Why on earth has god against him for fuck’s sake.  
The moans emanating make his ears rings so bad they might bleed. 

Someone approches him and talks to him but he’s too fucked up to understand.  
And he apparently gives off the wrong signals cause she takes his hand, leading him to a small group at the back where a girl is getting fucked by whoever. 

Next thing he knows his pants are down and she’s sucking him. He tries to get her off of him but she’s got an impressive amount a strength.  
He still shifts around as she puts his hand on top of her head. It’s so slippery, her mouth feels like oil, which he should enjoy but his unease only grows. 

That’s until his eyes move to the guy fucking her, he’s a real jock, tan jock with beach washed abs contracting with every trust.  
This sight clears his mind a little and he grows hard almost instantly.  
He lowers his gaze to peak at his dick he sees disappearing and reappearing and disappearing and... It’s big. 

Cody moans a couple of times until he meets the guys eyes and it’s a full on whimper that slips out of his lips.  
They’re such a deep shade of blue they may pierce through his soul.  
It’s a nice teenage metaphor but Cody doesn’t care, the only thing that matter right now is the raise of this guy’s eyebrows like an invitation, a challenge. 

And shit, Cody bites his lower lip without even meaning it to, but apparently that flips a switch in the man’s head because he pulls out and pushes the girl out of the way pretty roughly to get to Cody and backs him up against the wall.  
Barely having time to register what happened, he feels dry lips pressed to his. 

And it’s so much at once his brain can’t function anymore. He kisses back instantly, bringing in his hands to his head, going through the short strands on top, feeling the scratchy stubble against his cheeks as the kiss is getting a little more erratic.  
It’s oh so wrong but it feels oh so good.  
Cody’s feeling like he’s gonna actually burst. 

The extremely small part of him that’s still conscious is telling him to stop and just go in a corner and die of shame, but his body can’t stop moving, wants more, aches for more. 

The man’s hands roam everywhere on his body, pulls lightly at his hair and smiles proudly as this gesture enchants a very sweet sound from Cody.  
They go along his back to rest on his hips making Cody arches his back. 

“You’re a very cute one you know?”  
A wave of butterflies hits Cody’s stomach. 

And they slide down again.  
Cody just stares at him, jaw hanging, eyes shining in need.  
His own follow all the bumps his perfect physic creates, he’s so strong.

“Do you want to do it or what?”  
Cody has no clue what that means but he nods frantically without thinking one second.  
He’s in a complete subconscious state and that’s probably the best feeling he’s ever had. 

He guides Cody’s hand to his dick and FUCK! Cody almost comes right here right now just feeling it.  
He’s big in his hand and he fumbles around trying to jerk him off.  
Cody prepares to spit in his hand when he stops him by the wrist. 

“Come on baby, don’t waste that pretty mouth of yours”  
The pet names drive him crazy but Cody is still confused and as soon as he pushes him to his knees, he is a little less. 

He sinks down with so much adrenaline pumping, he no longer knows if he’s body will survive or shut down completely.  
He stares at his dick for a while before getting a pat on his head. 

Holy shit this is actually happening.  
He breathes hard through his nose, stressing that this may be horrible for the guy because everything he knows about anything just vanishes from his brain. 

So fuck it he just goes for it, open his mouth as wide as he can and swallows him whole in one go.  
It’s too much too quickly but somehow it feels so fulfilling. But also very disturbing. 

The guy pets his hair to avoid getting it in the way, it’s a sweet gesture in such a dirty moment.  
Cody can’t think straight and just goes for it for what feels simultaneously like one minute and one hour and he’s never been so hard in his life before. 

Suddenly the guy grips his hair and comes inside his mouth so deep he can’t do anything but swallow (and gag in the process).  
Shame washes over him instantly when he looks down, realizing he also came on the floor without even touching himself. 

Guy pulls him up and kisses him again.  
“First rodeo?”  
He blushes and lets his head drop.  
“Don’t worry cutie pie, there’s a first for everything”  
But he didn’t wanted that first. He never wanted it, never ever did.  
It was not suppose to ever happen and he hates himself for it.  
Hates himself for coming like that, hates himself for coming at all.  
It’s not right, simply, and now he’s got to live with himself knowing he liked it. 

He starts to tear up silently only thinking “why me?” Never asked for this shit.  
It makes sense now, his lack of hardness whenever he was with his girlfriends. 

It’s the regret that weights heavy on his heart that makes him pass out. It’s kinda pathetic the way he just falls down on the wet floor right after sucking off a guy he doesn’t know in the middle of a fuck room. 

~~~

He wakes up in his dorm bed, still naked but with his clothes neatly folded on the side. Nobody’s there thank god.  
He goes to the bathroom and almost gags at how fucked up he looks.  
Just misery in his eyes, just shame in his heart and just suicidal thoughts on his mind. 

~~~

He graduates. He travels. He gets a job. He gets a girlfriend. He’s miserable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact : wrote this on the plane on my laptop as the lady next to me was reading it without saying anything during the whole trip so there’s that


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s Noel!

Youtube kinda gets him through though.   
And Noel does too. 

With him it’s easy, easy to forget everything and laugh to death.   
At first he tries to be lowkey about how much he enjoys his company, but eventually he realizes it’s reciprocated affection.   
They start to film stuff together and even do a podcast. It feels nice to have somebody that share the same humour and mentality.   
They make good money and make people happy. What’s to complain about?

Noel’s not blind though, he knows something in Cody’s life is making him sad. He doesn’t know what but he can feel it.   
They joke around that they’re soulmates but he doesn’t say he really thinks they are.

~~~

“You really bought those did you?”  
Noel says at his sparkly converse.   
“I don’t know, I just liked them”  
He doesn’t tell Noel he bought them a couple of months ago but didn’t have the courage to wear them.   
It’s just shoes it don’t mean shit. 

“That’s something a little school girl would wear”  
It’s suppose to be a joke and he fakes a laugh at it but deep down it hurts. 

“Like about to jump rope or cheerlead or some shit”  
Ok Noel I get it. 

“I mean it’s just not what I would expect”  
That’s it, Noel’s disappointed in him.   
He thinks he looks like a girl, like a sissy, like somebody he’s not supposed to be. 

He tries to hold back his tears but he can’t, they just fall slowly on his sweater.   
He doesn’t want to look at Noel and see the same face his father would make as a child.   
It’s too painful to even think about. 

As he tries to cover his face, he catches Noel getting up from his seat and expects him to leave but instead he hugs him.   
And that’s a big thing for non-hugger Noel. 

After a minute he pulls back.   
“What’s the matter man? Did I say something wrong?”  
Cody wipes his eyes quickly.   
“No I’m cool, just a little tired and over the edge lately”  
Yeah lately meaning his entire lifetime.   
“You sure?”  
No, he’s not, he’s never been and will never be. 

He goes home and throws the shoes in his closet as far from eyesight as possible. 

~~~

They’re on stage in New York and somebody asks how to come to terms with your sexuality.   
Cody feels like god is literally haunting him by sending this guy here.   
Noel starts talking after receiving a “go one” by Cody.   
“You know I think you’ve already come a long way by asking us this tonight, voicing it in front of everybody is hard and congratulations on that!”  
A few whooos from the crowd make him chuckle. 

“Being ok with yourself for your look, ethnicity, sexuality, gender and everything is very much complicated especially when you’re part of a minority.   
But you gotta see that there’s nothing wrong with you no matter what people say...I mean as long as you no pedophile!”  
People laugh, lifting up the mood a little. 

“And sure you’re gonna come across shitty people tryna put you down, but fuck those people man! Our time on earth is short so do you, enjoy your life as who you wanna be and I can guarantee you’ll feel a whole lot better.”  
Damn...

“And make others feel good about themselves too”  
Noel isn’t so sure that part was directed to the guy in the crowd. 

~~~

One night he’s at home, drunk and he thinks fuck it.   
He’s alone and goes to his girlfriend’s closet.   
He needs it right now, he needs to know if this is the reason for all of his despair. 

He’s heart beats so fast and he hasn’t even open the door yet.   
A swing of vodka for courage later, here he goes.   
Scanning every item he’s seen on her multiple times but he secretly knows what he’s looking for.   
And here it is! It’s a black mini dress made out of stretchy material. 

As soon as he holds it in front of him, his breathing quickens and without another thought in his mind he almost rips his clothes off and puts it on.  
He can’t keep roaming his hands over the fabric and when he goes to look at himself in the mirror he lets out a sight he feels like he’s been holding his entire life. 

He also takes a pair of black tights to cancel his hairy legs from his view.   
God bless his bare chest though.

It hugs every part of his body and when he looks up at his face he catches the biggest smile he’s ever had, the shine in his eyes is irreplaceable.

~~~

It’s the fucking embarrassment of his life.   
He sort of passed out in his living room, forgetting to put an alarm clock, forgetting about the thing they had to shoot, forgetting about this damn fucking dress he had on last night.   
And what happens when he opens his eyes is Noel’s there standing above him with the biggest frown ever. 

He wants to run away and die. Close his eyes and do a cltr-z on this moment.   
But that ain’t how life works unfortunately. 

“What the hell..?” It’s the only thing he manges to get out.   
Cody just looks down hoping to disappear but that ain’t how life works either. 

“Are you okay?” No he’s fucking not.   
“Yeah...” Not very convincing.   
Another awful ass silence. 

“So what’s the getup?”   
He finally breaks the ice.   
“It’s a not a one time thing I suppose...”  
“No it’s actually the first time but it’s been on my mind for a long time.”   
Damn, he should’ve lied, it’s easier.   
Noel doesn’t say anything which only makes his discomfort grow. 

Cody shrugs. "I just - it feels good. Comfortable, you know? Like it's what I was supposed to be wearing the whole time. It's always been like that." He hopes it’s coherent because his head pounds with the alcohol still in his blood. 

"How could you not tell me?"  
Cody’s face falls.   
"Noel, I wanted to. So many times. How was I supposed to start that conversation? 'By the way, Noel, your best friend is a secret cross dresser?' You wouldn't understand."

"I don't." Noel admits flatly. "But mostly I don't understand how you could keep a huge part of yourself from me for years."  
"I'm sorry," Cody offers, voice cracking.   
“I wish I could have."

And without saying another word he leaves. 

~~~

“I have to tell you something Noel”  
He’s sweating bullets.   
Things have gotten a bit awkward as they haven’t talked about ‘the thing’ since it happened. And you know it’s bad when you refer it as ‘the thing’.   
“What you’re breaking up with me?”  
Typical Noel, using humour to try to diffuse the situation. 

He can’t seem to formulate the right words and the silence stretch.   
“Come on man, I’m getting worried over here”  
Oh Noel if you knew what I’m feeling right now. 

“I...I...” he tries.  
How are you supposed to say this?  
“I just need to tell you something” ok  
“Yeah you said that already. If it’s about the restaurant we can cancel I don’t mind”  
Right. Shut. Up. Noel. 

“Like I know you don’t fancy sea food but I heard it’s great and I just wanted to try something other than goddamn Macdonalds ya know, be good to our selves a little b-“  
“Shut the fuck up Noel!”  
Cutting him with roughness that wasn’t intended. 

“Sorry I just need you to take it seriously”  
His tone makes Noel sit back and nod in agreement.   
This is serious, this is happening, fuck. 

“I just can’t stay in this blur forever, this awkwardness in our relationship isn’t stable ok?” Deep breaths.   
“I just need to know if you’re okay with me being like this”   
He does weird hand movements that absolutely make no sense but he hopes Noel catches the gist of it. 

“Yeah we’re cool, don’t worry. I guess I was a little taken back and I’m sorry if I offended you but now that I know you can be yourself around me. It didn’t change anything Cody, I promise”  
Cody tries not to tear up at that.   
Thank god for sending him such an incredible human being.   
He feels accepted for the first time ever.


	4. Chapter 4

The following months are probably the best in his entire life. He’s touring the world with his best friend, he put an end to his nonsense of a relationship, but most importantly he starts to feel good about himself.   
He has grown bolder with his fantasies, he buys feminine clothes now. Only online of course but it feels so nice to come home and just slip on a dress, a skirt, a nightie, panties. And it feels so damn right, it was meant to be. 

This is it. Cody thinks. 

This is it, but what is “it”? He still doesn’t know what he is.   
A funky transvestite? A gay boy with a feminine penchent? A woman?

Noel is incredibly supportive.   
By all rights, seeing Cody in a dress should be a bizarre, possibly negative experience, but Noel just can’t see it like that, not when it’s so obvious how happy it makes him.  
There’s always an air of excitement when Cody is dressed up; it’s easy to see the extra boost of confidence he gets in the outfits that feel right on him.

~~~

They’re on the tour bus couch at the back.   
It’s him, Noel and Matt. They just sit casually, passing a blunt around, talking about all sorts of meaningless shit but it’s a nice moment.   
Matt excuses himself to go sleep and Noel mutters “pussy” as soon as he’s gone.   
They don’t say anything for little bit, just enjoying each other’s company.   
Cody feels sleepy and Noel notices, patting his shoulder as an invitation. 

Cody frowns but Noel’s smile convinces him though and he lays his head on his shoulder, bents his legs to rest on his lap, an arm makes it way around his waist and he drowses off with warmth in his stomach. 

When Noel is with Cody, he feels this need to protect him. From he doesn’t know what, but Cody’s just this sunshine in his heart.   
He’s never felt that with another guy, it’s almost spiritual, poetic how he would kill for Cody.   
Maybe be he’s falling for him and the feeling is fine. 

~~~

They grow closer and closer everyday which freaks him out considerably.   
At first he thinks it’s just a close friendship thing, however when hugs start lasting a little longer, kisses on cheeks, sleeping in the same bed...   
SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED   
That’s not really a close friendship thing. 

Or maybe it is and he’s making too big of a deal.   
He loves Noel very much but does he do that way?  
No he doesn’t, he shouldn’t. And although he had this awakening with the other guy, he doesn’t want to jeopardize their friendship and business.   
He’s got to much at stake and can’t afford to loose any of it.

~~~

The question is quickly answered at new year eve.   
They’re partying like there’s no tomorrow at a friend’s house in the hills. Yes he knows people in the hills (very humble brag).

Anyways, they’re dancing together and gravity just seems to pull them closer and closer and fuck he looks so good under the dim light.   
His honey-colored eyes shine so bright, tan skin looking as soft as clouds, drunk smile so irresistible.   
So much that he can’t help but smash his lips against his. 

The sudden realization of this impulse freaks him the fuck out and he chooses to go the dumb way to escape as he immediately pulls out.   
“Dude I’m so drunk sorry didn’t mean that, I’m gonna lay down my head is spinning.”  
Such a liar. He leaves, almost running. 

What he doesn’t know though is what happened in Noel’s head.   
He doesn’t know that Noel felt the butterflies, that he loved it, that he only wanted to go with Cody, continue while holding him against a wall and caressing him everywhere.   
He doesn’t know he left Noel confused and almost sad.   
No he doesn’t know that. 

~~~

“So you were late because your ass was dancing to Britney Spears on repeat for 45 minutes and you didn’t see time pass by?” They both laugh at that.   
“God, you’re such a girl sometimes.”  
  
It’s an old insult, one of those used without really meaning it but Noel hadn’t counted on how different it would sound with Cody standing beside him wearing what is, by all intent and purpose, a dress. 

Cody’s head snaps around to look at him, and the expression on his face is pure happiness.   
Surprised, yes, but there’s a huge smile on his lips and his cheeks have pinked up. “Yeah,” Cody looks down at himself and smooths the fabric down his chest. “I guess I am.”

It’s amazing how such a little thing could have that effect, one word and Cody’s smile could light up a room.   
Noel stares at him, always so fascinated with this new, complicated version of his friend.   
Cody tips his head back again, looking up at the ceiling as though embarrassed by his reaction.

All that, that rush of joy that Noel saw in Cody’s expression, so easily brought on just by making Cody feel feminine for one tiny moment.   
That’s what Cody needs, Noel realizes, and the sudden understanding is like being hit by a sledgehammer.

All this time Noel has been trying to get his head around Cody’s cross-dressing, trying to get used to seeing Cody in skirts and dresses, trying to figure out what it means.   
Until now, Noel has only had a rough idea of the effect the clothes have on Cody.   
He knows they make Cody happy, but it’s been much more complicated to figure out why.

“It’s never been about the clothes, has it?” Noel asks out of nowhere, feeling like he’s putting the puzzle pieces together in his head as he talks.  
Cody looks at him sharply. “What do you mean?”  
Noel waves his hand vaguely at Cody’s outfit. “I mean, it’s not really about the clothes, is it? It’s how you feel when you wear them.”  
Cody’s eyes widen slightly and he nods slowly.   
“Yeah,” he says. “They help me feel...” he shrugs. “It’s cheesy, but they help me feel like me. Like who I am inside.”

“That’s why you’re happiest when you’re dressed up,” Noel says. “Because they make you feel like a girl.”  
Cody looks at him thoughtfully for a moment and then nods, looking pleased.  
“I feel like I should’ve known ages ago” 

~~~

It’s Cody’s birthday and they don’t really do that usually but Noel feels generous and buys him a light blue summer dress. At first he doesn’t know what to say, too much in shock and Noel starts to doubt his bold decision.   
Cody drags his fingers lightly across the material, it’s so beautiful. 

“I’m sorry, might not be my place to do that but I-“  
“Nooo I love it!” Cody cuts him with the excitement of a puppy. 

“Are you gonna like try it on?”  
Noel tries carefully.   
“If you want me too.”  
After a nod he goes in his room to put it on, having a heart attack at the sweet gesture. 

It’s a jaw dropping moment when Cody comes back looking like a ray of sunshine.   
The urge that Noel gets to hold him tightly is impossible to resist. 

“You look beautiful” he never meant something so much in his life. 

Noel approaches slowly, until they're toe to toe, chest to chest, breathing against each other.   
Cody knows his eyes are wide and wanting, giving everything away, but it doesn't matter, not when Noel’s looking at him the same way.   
Not when Noel’s pressing ever closer. He brushes a lock of hair out of Cody’s eye, tucking it behind his ear, flicking his gaze from Cody’s eyes to his mouth, then back again. 

Cody is pretty sure whoever's living next door will be able to hear his heart pounding in his chest.  
Noel’s fingers are still in Cody’s hair as he cups Cody’s face in his other hand, his thumb brushing over Cody’s cheekbone. Cody closes his eyes and turns his face into the touch, just a little.

He waits one long moment, gathering courage, maybe, before bringing his other hand up to Cody’s face, cradling him as he leans in and kisses him for real this time.   
It's chaste and sweet, Noel’s mouth pressing gently against Cody’s and holding there until Cody responds, parting his lips and kissing him back.   
Noel exhales gently against his mouth and his thumbs stroke across Cody’s cheeks as he tilts his head and deepens the kiss. 

Cody feels like his heart's about to burst out of his chest and his brain is fizzling and he doesn't know what to do with his hands. He flails for a moment before letting them land on Noel’s sides, squeezing tightly.

Noel’s hands feel huge and warm on his face, holding him so carefully, and his mouth is just as sweet and soft and perfect as Cody ever imagined, and he wonders how they could possibly have waited so long to do this, because this is amazing.

Noel pulls back a few moments later, admiring the blush on Cody’s face.   
“I’ve been wanting to do that for a while”  
Cody hugs him tighter than humanly possible.   
“Let’s do some more then”

And oh boy do they get to it.   
After making out again, Noel directs Cody to the couch to gently lay him down.   
Cody spreads his legs to make room for Noel who settles between them.

Noel goes for his neck, planting kisses as he listens to Cody’s melodious little sound, before resting on his heels. 

Noel reaches out, tugging Cody’s dress up to reveal matching blue lacy panties.   
His mouth waters as he looks curiously at the hairless strip of skin showing above Cody’s panties. He touches a fingertip there and Cody sucks in a breath, biting his lip.  
“You shave here, too?” Nick asks, voice rough.  
Cody nods. “Yeah, I – everywhere.”  
  
It had been weird, the first time, not to mention slightly terrifying, to have the razor so close to such a sensitive part of his body, but Cody loves the smoothness of it, how it allows him to feel the soft fabrics of his panties.  
Noel sucks in a breath and his eyes flutter closed as he draws two fingertips slowly down where the trail of hair should be. 

Cody’s skin buzzes and heats up as Noel traces across the waistline of the panties, all slow and curious, wide-eyed. Cody can’t take it and he has to pull Nick down and kiss him. 

He clutches at Noel’s v-neck and just pulls. Noel lands with a stifled ‘oof’, one hand bracing himself by Cody’s head and the other still resting lightly over the panties.  
Cody just wants him closer, so he gets his hands on Noel’s broad shoulders, tugs and pushes until Noel finally does what he wants and settles on top of him. 

Noel opens his jeans and lowers them down to mid thigh level.   
And oh god, it feels amazing to have   
Noel’s cock sliding against his through the thin layers of their underwear.   
Noel gasps and grinds down and they both groan at the feeling. It’s too much and it’s not enough so Cody opens his mouth over Noel’s in a frantic kiss as they rub against each other.

It’s hot and messy and then, then Noel pulls back for a second, hips still rocking into Cody’s and mutters, “I can feel... you’re wet.”

Just like that, Cody comes.  
Noel seems as surprised as he is when Cody stills and cries out, coming hard and fast. He’s dazed and loose as Noel rubs off against Cody’s hip before he comes with a shudder and a flood of wet warmth against Noel’s skin.

They feel like teenagers touching someone for the first time and it doesn’t matter. 

“You’re the love of my life” Noel says holding his face between his palms.   
Cody doesn’t really know what to say at this beautiful confession so...  
“Thanks dip shit”  
And Noel opens his mouth as if offended and goes to tickle him violently.   
“You...little...bastard..piece of...shit” he says between gritted teeth.   
Cody can’t help contorting his body trying to get away while laughing so hard his cheeks hurt. 

Maybe they are in love but one thing’s sure is they’re still the same two idiots. 

~~~

Cody’s not a girl, he thinks to himself as he begins to drift into sleep.  
He’s not, and that’s still going to sting from time to time.   
Not biologically at least, even if he knows about modern adjustments like hormones, surgery or the possibility to change name and pronouns, it’s still not very clear in his mind what path he wants to follow.  
He’s going to spend the rest of his life trying to figure out exactly who he is and learning how to be comfortable with it, and that’s going to be hard.

Cody understands, now, that the journey he embarked on the first day he got out of his mother’s womb is one that’s never going to end and there’s going to be detours and crashes and standstills along the way.

The thing is, Cody thinks, that it’s not about how you look or how people see you, it’s how you feel.   
He may look like a boy and the fans and the public and everyone else out there may see him as one, but in his heart, Cody feels like a girl.   
In this moment, tonight, he feels like Noel’s girl. 

Small in Noel’s arms, with Noel’s fingers tangled in his hair, with Noel’s mark on his neck and the gentle weight of the dress Noel gave him resting over Cody’s heart, Cody feels like Noel’s girl.  
And it’s enough.  
It’s enough.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gee thanks to everyone who read that!Hope you enjoyed. It coudve been longer but I’m not one to stretch stories to 10,000+ words but maybe if you want more I’ll do it cause it’s fun.   
> I had this on my mind for a while so I’m happy it finally came to life.   
> Also again I hope nothing was offending cause of course it’s not my intention.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope I dont offend anyone but if I do I sincerely apologize I mean nothing but good  
> Also english is not my first language so if you find mistakes pretend you didn’t see them as to not hurt my feelings


End file.
